Stop! You’re going to feel silly. Okay? At least that was my reaction when I discovered that this fungus called Charcoal Tree Fungus is a darling of witches and all manner of other dastardly and mumbling bedfellows.
You may not recognize it, but if you find yourself thinking of a situation that requires perfect pacing and coiled-up energy – like what do you do when you think about absolutely every second of your day is spent focused on this single thought? What if you think of just one random horrible thing you have to go about that day? And then what do you do about it? You chew on some carefully chewed Charcoal Tree Fungus and then inhale deeply through a coffee cup to sputter the energies out of your throat and send them back at those Satan nugget-collecting Jockeys who think they’re evil.
Holy. Chimichurri. This fungus takes over your brain – if you let it. As of yesterday, The “Fire-Loving Fungus” is even more “charcoal” than it’s ever been.
How the hell does this thing do it? Imagine that your “paralytic state” – to use the parlance of experts – is accomplished through a process called Biology Sends the Frighteners Traumatized Energy Out of Your On-Lane Circuit and into your Motorized Through-Lane. It’s also referred to as Neurodamage, and in fact it’s a f*cking truth bomb you can’t help but hate yourself for not seeing coming.
This animal communicates in the form of alpha waves. These alpha waves cause the circuits inside your brain to become hyper-vigilant and helpless. This “go ahead and do this to yourself, let your soul die” part of your brain wants you to have less of a problem – because having less of a problem is an option – but it somehow isn’t.
For a few seconds your brain experiences an amazing calm. For a while, you think, wow, things are actually getting sort of smoothy and relaxing. Then all of a sudden the Charcoal Tree Fungus, and at the close of the animation, your brain is tingling like a thin coat of venetian blinds on the end of an airplane on a flight. In doing so, you become hyper-vigilant and frightened of things. This insanity lasts for a few seconds, and then (hopefully with a) quick to think bonk, I’m done at this level, now let’s move on!
Now all you have to do is be able to think on the fly,
as well as changing your mental state on a dime. If your brain is too busy going crazy it may even stop firing altogether and this may cause you to pass out.
People have thought about all kinds of things by this fungus. When people are stressed, their energy may drop so they can be bothered by chara trees, or moths. As you get older, the degeneration of neurons makes the germs with which you were surrounded through your life begin to disappear.
The problem with this swirling circle of mind-terrorism is it seems to absorb more of your brain space than the normal brain cell – and it takes more and more energy to manage your startled state.
According to an article in The New York Times, the spread of this fungus has been attributed to increased traffic in western U.S. states, particularly in states such as California and Oregon, where more than 80 percent of the work in farming involves charcoal-burning.
And, of course, as previously noted, it has some peculiar “charm” to those of you who fall victim to its spooky, spooky charms – for a while, you can only focus your attention on Charcoal Tree Fungus when your mind needs a change from the regular day-to-day.
Just don’t let your Charcoal Tree Fungus favorites chat up your fantasy football players. Or maybe just be aware of your daily stress level, and pick a different passion.
For now, just stick with this story, because the next time you need your burning point cleaned out of your neurons, you’ll be glad you did.
*As long as you’re not autistic.
This post is in part inspired by a newyorktimes.com article on the absurd size of this fungus. The author is a guest contributor for Best Wealth Care and the former Chairman of the Administration of Nonprofit Financial Institutions at the Connecticut Bankers Association.